I've been praying for weeks asking the Lord where He wants for our blog to go, who He intends for us to reach. Our blog has been a sort of intense and private journey that in many aspects, we've made very public. Our hope has been and still is, to reach as many lost souls as possible, to encourage fellow brothers and sisters in Christ by keeping it real and honest. Lastly, to reach out to parents and families that have special needs and disabilites.
Already this new year of 2012 has been off to a rocky start to say the least. After 2 weeks with a very sick Riley, it took 4 procedures (a stomach scope, biopsy's of her stomach and esophagus taken, another PH probe test, many labs and a gastric emptying test) and one night in the hospital to get her back to solid ground. 3 stomach ulcers, a loose nissan and a small amount of reflux were discovered landing us on Riley's 4th daily medication.
Upon the direction of the Lord, I made an appt with my doctor to discuss somethings I felt needed to be taken care of. On top of the fybro, degenerative discs in my back and scolosis, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and OCD. This, I am still wrapping my mind around.
I was so discouraged. I had hoped 2012 would be an amazing year for us of new hope, progress for our Riley, learning and making things happen for our big kids and I know in ways that it still will be. Every single day and every single night I cry for our Riley, for my own pain. I cry tears that have no end in sight and I cry out to the Lord for His direction, His healing, His wisdom and His mercies. It's so hard to stand when the waves of this life just keep knocking you down before you can catch your breath. And yet just when I thought I was in fact catching my breath, I became so distracted. Those I thought I would be life long friends with, sisters in Christ, prayer warriors, were no more. Suddenly Facebook had become and acceptable means of working through feelings and withering friendships. Acceptable to some but not to me. Godly? Just the opposite if you ask me. Before I knew it, words were twisted, ill intent showed its ugly face and Facebook was a hiding place for some to lash out and be hurtful without having to actually hold a conversation. Puts a new meaning to being a coward. I hit my knees as I have so many times before and gave my broken heart to the One and Only who can make it whole. I researched His truths verses the lies being thrown at me.
Sometimes all that we can do is believe. I believe that Jesus never leaves or forsakes His children. I believe He counts our tears and uses everything in our lives for His good purposes. I believe that He has good for me and for my family. I believe that I will one day see the my 3 babies that are in heaven. I believe that Riley is fearfully and wonderfully made. Then it hit me...
In reading of the book of Psalm, I came across the following Psalm:
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. Psalm 71:20
That's my promise. Yes, I've read this Psalm many times over the last 4 years of chaos and turmoil but today it brought new meaning. The Lord has allowed all of these hurdles, hardships and heartbreaking times. I gain encouragement today knowing that He is going to one day raise me up again. From the depths of the earth, He will bring me up. It may not be until He comes back for His children, but He will.
We all have a story to tell. Not one of us truly wants disease, calamity, heartbreak. I know I don't. But then I am reminded still that this life isn't about me. As I prayed to the Lord, asking why, seeking His plan, broken for all He continues to allow, I am reminded that if depression, fybro, pain of all scales in this life, the trials my sweet Riley endures, wars and so on will win others to Christ, if others will look at my family and see the love of the Father, if one more woman feels a little less alone with a baby she can't make well or even take care of as she so badly desires to do, then it's worth it all. If depression and disease are looked at as blessings in disguise instead of a weakness in our faith and in our walk, then it's worth it. I'm here to tell you that a Christian CAN struggle with depression. One can visit dark days you once never knew existed and still see Jesus as The Light. What is even better is that Jesus can and does still love you in these most awful of places. These trials do not define me as being weak, not walking closely enough with the Lord, missing something or of sin. These trials show that He has something grand for me. He has a plan to use me and all of my broken pieces for His glory, to further His kingdom. It wasn't my plan, my way, my desire or my wishes.
Slowly in all that I don't understand, that's ok with me:)
Nichole
