"Who did not pick up their dirty clothes?
Who made this mess with the toothpaste?
Everyone go potty before we leave!
Time for school big kids!
Please bring me your dishes!
Why are you screaming?
Why are you crying?
Where are your underwear?
Did you brush?
Why in this world did you do that?!
Have you lost your ever-lovin' mind?!" (everyone's favorite saying of mine)
My days are filled with such, many deep breathes, prayers said silently and aloud. Some days we cry more than others. Some days we laugh more than others. Most days are spent in the car heading to one appointment or another. Leea's history book is in one hand, Riley's passie in my pocket, Carson's backpack on my arm, Riley's blanket on the other arm, the diaper bag, hospital bag, water bottles, snacks, keys, extra clothes....you name it and I'm armed with it.
As Mother's Day approaches, I've been reflecting much on how I am as a mom, what I can do more of, a better job at, and most importantly, am I showing them the love of Jesus enough? Along with all of these thoughts, I am reminded of how blessed I am.
Most of my pregnancy with Carson in 2006 I spent in ICU and on bed rest. Every day I thought may be my last and I have never been as sick since. Everything from my heart to my thyroid was out of whack. Carson will be 6 later this month and just finished his K year of homeschooling.
At 10 weeks, we cried as Jesus took our sweet Hannah to be with Him on April 30 2008. My heart was torn right out as it never had been before. Little did I know Hannah going to be with Jesus would make the way for Riley and change our hearts forever. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Rev 21:4.
Half of my pregnancy with Riley I was on bed rest again and we were told she would be a miracle if she made it full term. In 2009 we welcomed our sweet Riley girl into the world and praised our Father in heaven for another sweet baby. We had no idea what we were in for, that God has chosen us to be parents of a special needs baby. She just turned 3 in April and though she has trisomy X syndrome, a dozen other diagnosis and no evidence of a paternal gene in her genetic make up, she is indeed a miracle. Every doctor she has ever seen tells us the same, "I have never seen a child like her." I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
I am undeserving, so unworthy of the gift, the privilege of being a mom. It's the hardest job in the world, one that brings tears, laughs, worries unending but I wouldn't trade it for the world. After turning 30 last year, I began to really find myself, determine the kind of mom and wife I want to be. God has never ever stopped blessing me.
There are surgeries and hospital stays for our girl that I wish weren't needed. Too many appointments on the calender. Too many specialists that most parents don't ever want to take their child too. Tears from our big kids as they worry and wrestle with anxiety for their baby sister. Two 15 month deployments and one 4 month deployment taught me how to be a single mom.
I know far too much of grief, more than any one mother should feel.
Now my days are spent juggling Riley's care and appointments with our brave and amazing big kids. Yet I look around me and can't believe I am so blessed, so loved. God has given me such favor in allowing me to be a mother. When friends leave you hanging, when they walk away and call it quits, when the world has left you in the storm and there is not a soul around, my babies and my husband are there. We cry together, pray together, school together, cuddle together, laugh together, conquer together. Each family has their share of hard times and trials. What our family has come thru together is nothing short of God's amazing grace, mercy and love.
I pray that I am reflection of Christ to them. I pray that God's word is imprinted on their little hearts that are so full of love and wonder. I have my share of regrets, should've, could've, would've. I wish my big kids didn't see their baby sister lay in a hospital bed so often, endure more than any child should. I wish that their extended family cared enough to know them and birthdays were not forgotten. I wish their best friends hadn't moved away a life time ago. I wish they didn't know just how cold and hard this world can be.
However, I rejoice that they know Jesus. I rejoice that they thrive in their schooling, that they love the church they have all been raised in. I rejoice that we are all so close and forgiving of each others faults. I rejoice that they have mercy for those in need and hurting. I rejoice that they hold doors open for others, that they love to help other kiddos doing therapies, they love to cook and bake, that they know their daddy's family and love them so much. I rejoice that they can recite scriptures, that they can understand Riley better than I some of the times. I rejoice that they are healthy, that they love the army, that their daddy is their hero. I rejoice that they have all I never did. I rejoice that they understand what a budget is, that they will give so freely. I rejoice that when I see them and feel their tiny arms around me, asking if I'm hurting or if I feel ok, that I see Jesus in them.
This Mother's Day I take nothing for granted. I praise that we are home and not in the hospital, that we are together, not separated by an ongoing war. I praise that they love me as they do. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Psalm 73:26
Happy Mother's Day to all mommas out there. May this weekend and this day remind you of your many blessings, that you would remember them today and always!
Nichole
Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Psalm 127:3
