"My God, how can this be what you have for me?" I've asked that very question so many times over the last few months. I've pondered, tried to figure, understand, wrestled, panicked and fought it all.
I debated on sharing but I feel the Lord has led me to do so. Just 2 nights ago I woke from a sound sleep in total panic. I couldn't breath, speak, think or even pray. I stayed this way for near 2 hours while my husband prayed for me, loved me, walked with me, let me cry on his shoulder and tried to talk it all out with me. I know that panic does not come from the Lord, such anxiety that I can't move is not from him. He is a God of order, peace, strength.
In a matter of days, the reality of the wars going on overseas will hit all to close to home for my family yet again. "My God, how can this be what you have for us?"
Riley's tube feedings have now been increased to day feedings, longer night feedings and followed by the finding of a severe dairy allergy. 10 days on antibiotics have done nothing to control the raging infection at her G-tube site. For 2 weeks straight, we have managed 4 appointments a week. We have 3 all in one day, tomorrow, they come on the heels of 2 prior appointments this week. "My God, how can this be what you have for our girl? Will it ever get better? Can't you see I'm already stretched so far? How much more must our hearts break? What are you doing?"
My grandparents who disowned me long ago, still refuse to see their grandchildren, haven't seen them in nearly 5 yrs and have never seen Riley or have any contact with me at all, even in the midst of an incurable cancer that has struck their lives in such a tragic way, I still have no idea what I did. "My God, how can this be what you have for me? What did I do?"
Pain I thought I would never feel, a conversation I never thought I would have to have, happened indeed and has left a huge hole in my heart. "My God, how can this be what you have for me?"
Then I realized, it's all at the sound of His name. I don't have to resort to panic or anxiety. I don't have to understand or figure it out. I just have to call on His name. I just have to look up towards Him. I just have to choose to keep praising Him in the midst of this never ending heartache, this nightmare I am stuck in. I just have to choose to point others to Him as best as I can.
God has such funny ways at times. A box comes from a dear and very loved friend at the most perfect time. Yet another message on our FB telling us what an inspiration we are, how much we reflect Christ, how we said something or shared a verse and personal experience that made such an impact on someone else's life, how hearing Riley's story has given them a stronger walk, more to be thankful for. He so mercifully chooses to give me such amazing people who love us, to get us, who in such obedience to Him, show us how much we are cared and prayed for.
Just practice saying His name for yourself a few times....right now. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. You are high and lifted up. Every fear has no place at the sound of your name.
He is it friends. He is all there is and all that we need. Lost are saved, find their way at the sound of your great name. All condemned feel so shame at the sound of your great name. The enemy, he has to leave at the sound of your great name.
Listen the words of this awesome song and sing of His name for yourself:)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Q&A and Riley pics
So in the last week we've had tons and tons of questions about Riley, her care, how she is, what has to be done for her now ect. So, I decided to try and answer them all on our family blog! In searching the internet for pic's of feeding tubes ect., I found it really hard to find them....so we've decided also, to include some pic's of what goes on here....to inform others and give you an idea of what goes on in Riley's life now.
(this is the pump used for Riley's feedings on a stand. The formula bag is attached at the top of the pole, the tube comes from the bag, to the pump, to Riley's stomach. The pump runs all night from 9-5, giving Riley an all night feeding of 80z. 1 ounce runs per hour.)
(The bandages you see cover her 3 incisions made during surgery, marking where different tools were used to perform her surgery. The port you see, poking out of her stomach is the actual G-tube. Because surgery was only a week ago, she still has redness and a lot of tenderness. The G-tube opens with a small lid feature, allowing me to insert the feeding tube. The formula goes directly into her stomach thru this port.)
Riley can have whatever she will eat by mouth during the day. This is done to keep her from being dependent on the feeding tube, to encourage her oral eating and to help her poor mouth motor skills. If she gains some weight, eats enough calories during the day, we will only have to do night feedings. If she continues not to gain weight and thrive, we will have to incorporate day feedings as well.
Riley no longer sleeps in a bed, but a pack n' play now. This is done so that she is unable to get up in the night and move from her bed to ours. If she were to try this with the G-tube in, she could seriously hurt herself, detaching her stomach or worse. This way, she can't get out of bed while getting a feeding and ensuring her safety.
We have a special back pack that can be used for feedings on the go. It's great for her because she can be up playing or at an outing while still staying on her very strict feeding schedule.
I have to log every single food she eats, keeping a calorie count, making sure that she's getting the calories she needs and being sure that her formula dose she gets is exactly what her body needs.
She is tolerating the formula perfectly.
Leea and Carson pay little attention to the actual G-tube but understand well why Riley has it and what it does for her. We spent a lot of time talking to them before the surgery, reassuring them and educating them on what was happening. They are very careful with her but don't worry or get upset about the tube at all.
Riley will likely have the G-tube for 2 yrs.
I can cover the G-tube site with gauze when we go out to ensure her safety and to keep the site clean and protected from others.
She is not able to do things on her stomach because she could really harm herself here too, causing damage to the site.
She will see the surgeon in 2 weeks to have the stitches removed. Her recovery time is 6-8 weeks.
We are doing well, learning of this new life, of what Riley needs and how to do it. Port has been nothing short of amazing, helping and stepping in. We've been a real team with her. I'm slowly coming to terms with the G-tube, seeing the good it does and will continue to do for Riley. It's a very emotional journey.
The hardest part for me, has been to see and understand that some people aren't comfortable with Riley,that she will be treated differently by some, that people we love don't understand and clearly don't want to understand, so they stay away and are afraid to visit or be around her.This reality became just that during our hospital time with her. It is beyond difficult to accept that normal isn't what God has for our family or for Riley anymore. I'm slowly allowing Him to remove the desire for normal, and accepting with joy what He does have for us. After all, we're all works and I truly do love these days. I will take and love Riley for who she is, regardless of what tubes, procedures, therapies ect she has to endure. She is our miracle, our perfect gift from God to show us how much He loves us:)
(this is the pump used for Riley's feedings on a stand. The formula bag is attached at the top of the pole, the tube comes from the bag, to the pump, to Riley's stomach. The pump runs all night from 9-5, giving Riley an all night feeding of 80z. 1 ounce runs per hour.)
(The bandages you see cover her 3 incisions made during surgery, marking where different tools were used to perform her surgery. The port you see, poking out of her stomach is the actual G-tube. Because surgery was only a week ago, she still has redness and a lot of tenderness. The G-tube opens with a small lid feature, allowing me to insert the feeding tube. The formula goes directly into her stomach thru this port.)
Riley can have whatever she will eat by mouth during the day. This is done to keep her from being dependent on the feeding tube, to encourage her oral eating and to help her poor mouth motor skills. If she gains some weight, eats enough calories during the day, we will only have to do night feedings. If she continues not to gain weight and thrive, we will have to incorporate day feedings as well.
Riley no longer sleeps in a bed, but a pack n' play now. This is done so that she is unable to get up in the night and move from her bed to ours. If she were to try this with the G-tube in, she could seriously hurt herself, detaching her stomach or worse. This way, she can't get out of bed while getting a feeding and ensuring her safety.
We have a special back pack that can be used for feedings on the go. It's great for her because she can be up playing or at an outing while still staying on her very strict feeding schedule.
I have to log every single food she eats, keeping a calorie count, making sure that she's getting the calories she needs and being sure that her formula dose she gets is exactly what her body needs.
She is tolerating the formula perfectly.
Leea and Carson pay little attention to the actual G-tube but understand well why Riley has it and what it does for her. We spent a lot of time talking to them before the surgery, reassuring them and educating them on what was happening. They are very careful with her but don't worry or get upset about the tube at all.
Riley will likely have the G-tube for 2 yrs.
I can cover the G-tube site with gauze when we go out to ensure her safety and to keep the site clean and protected from others.
She is not able to do things on her stomach because she could really harm herself here too, causing damage to the site.
She will see the surgeon in 2 weeks to have the stitches removed. Her recovery time is 6-8 weeks.
We are doing well, learning of this new life, of what Riley needs and how to do it. Port has been nothing short of amazing, helping and stepping in. We've been a real team with her. I'm slowly coming to terms with the G-tube, seeing the good it does and will continue to do for Riley. It's a very emotional journey.
The hardest part for me, has been to see and understand that some people aren't comfortable with Riley,that she will be treated differently by some, that people we love don't understand and clearly don't want to understand, so they stay away and are afraid to visit or be around her.This reality became just that during our hospital time with her. It is beyond difficult to accept that normal isn't what God has for our family or for Riley anymore. I'm slowly allowing Him to remove the desire for normal, and accepting with joy what He does have for us. After all, we're all works and I truly do love these days. I will take and love Riley for who she is, regardless of what tubes, procedures, therapies ect she has to endure. She is our miracle, our perfect gift from God to show us how much He loves us:)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
48ish hours after surgery
I'm sitting in the hospital room unable to sleep and thinking that just maybe my thoughts are gathered enough to type them out.
We are 48ish hours out of the surgeries we have been waiting for, for a long time. Let me start from the day of: Surgery was at 8:30 because the doctor decided to take Riley back a bit early. Though Riley has had a few surgeries before, I never get used to handing my baby over for an operation of any degree. The surgeon, whom we met 2 wks prior looked at me and said, "It's ok. I will take care of her as though she was my own." I cried and handed Riley to Port, who would be with her in the operating room until she feel asleep from the anesthesia. The next 2 1/2 hours were a blur of text messages, phone calls, tears, fears, hand holding and desperate prayers. I wondered if we had made the right choice by fighting for these surgeries for so long. I was haunted and still am, that there is no turning back.
The nurse came to get us and take us to Riley after the surgery was over. Just as they woke Riley, she yanked the tube going to her lungs out and nearly got her IV out of her hand as well. We met another nurse who handed me Riley and ushered Port and I to 2 chairs in the PICU unit. I cried and tried my best to comfort Riley. She has always had such a hard time coming out of anesthesia and is so afraid when she wakes. Nurses were everywhere, untangling cords, taking down numbers, hooking her to oxygen, taking her temp ect. I asked to see her stomach. Port looked at me as to make sure and I nodded yes. The nurse lifted Riley's gown and showed me what there was to see. I fell apart and cried as I never had before. I begged for the surgeon to come out, take her back to the OR and remove the tube. I begged Port to have it taken out. I cried more and pleaded with Riley that one day she would understand the choice we had to make, that one day we would see the benefit from the G-tube but even I wasn't so sure. For now, it's a scary monster that has invaded the tummy of my beautiful baby.
In the 2 wks that we had to prepare for the surgery I looked all over the internet for pictures of a baby with a G-tube. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect, I could deal better, encourage Riley more and generally educate myself. While I didn't do much reading on feeding tubes, I knew a little but never was able to find pictures.
The surgeon came out, I kept my cool as best as I could and listened to his orders for Riley for the next 24 hrs. He assured us that the procedures had gone text book, she looked excellent and even told us of her bright recovery. He told me we would need to of course continue her asthma meds but that she no longer needed the reflux meds. "She's not refluxing anymore", he said. I have dreamed of hearing those words. For Riley, it's so much more than reflux. It's killing her lungs, bringing constant pain to her ears, preventing her from eating, literally torturing her tiny body. I knew it was a step in the right direction and that our fighting had been blessed with favor from the Lord.
The next 24+ hours were a blur. Many texts, calls, FB messages,dear friends, doctors and nurses filled our tiny hospital room. Lots of checking her sites, monitoring pain, morphine, trying to get her to respond to our voices and more desperation. I was desperate from a sign from God that we had made the right choice, though I knew we had. I watched her every moment, never leaving her bed side, waiting for her to wake, to show me a sign of pain or comfort. Being clueless in all of it left me feeling pretty anxious for anything and nothing that she would show.
She slept well the first night, heavily medicated. We opted for every dose of everything they would give her to keep her comfortable. We held her hands and cried over her as she slept. I would look to Port's eyes for reassurance and comfort. I begged God to send His peace.
The next afternoon we began to stretch out the morphine doses from every 2 hours to every 3. We sat her up in the bed when she would wake and supported her on pillows when she slept. I held her for hours in my arms taking comfort in every next breath, every squeeze of my finger she gave. She would look at me, look at those talking to her but remained expressionless. There was no emotion on her face at all, no hint of her comprehending even our voices for the first 2 days. It was the most heartbreaking ordeal I have ever been thru as a mother. A dear sister in Christ came to see us, and I knew it was safe to break down with her. We spent much time crying at Riley's bedside for what our child must endure, trying to find God's plan and purpose in it all.
I still don't understand it and I may never. Though many go through so much worse, seeing a tube coming from my child's stomach is the harshest thing to me. I don't understand why she hasn't been well, why it must be so hard for her. Her ordeals don't seem morally ok to me, they don't seem to fit for our beautiful girl. I hear others talk at times about not wanting to vaccinate their kids bc of shots, of allergy testing being so invasive, how anesthesia can be the worst, and I wish it were that simple for our girl. I guess it's been somewhat of a grieving time for Port and I. We've had a lot of time together that I'm so grateful for. We've had privacy but the love from others who have come to visit at the same time. I've asked God why many, many times. How is it that the world we live in is in constant war and babies have tubes coming from their bodies to perform what they own body can't, to sustain them? How can that be?
Most recently Riley began to sit on her own. She has stood twice for several minutes with our help. With this surgery, the internal organs go numb and so the recovery is long and slow...6-8 wks actually. She's smiling and saying mama and dada. She reaches for our hands each time a nurse or doctor enters the room. She has become alert enough at times to watch Elmo or watch the bubbles we blow float around her bed. She is happy to see Leea and Carson when they are here to visit and likes to look out her window. We've done slow wagon rides around the Peds ward, visited the playroom briefly, blown bubbles, played with a pinwheel, done puzzles and sang songs. I've seen tiny glimpses of our girl come back. She shows others her stomach when they enter the room as if to say, "Hey, look at me now. It's going to be ok, see what I've come thru and how strong I am."
Nichole
We are 48ish hours out of the surgeries we have been waiting for, for a long time. Let me start from the day of: Surgery was at 8:30 because the doctor decided to take Riley back a bit early. Though Riley has had a few surgeries before, I never get used to handing my baby over for an operation of any degree. The surgeon, whom we met 2 wks prior looked at me and said, "It's ok. I will take care of her as though she was my own." I cried and handed Riley to Port, who would be with her in the operating room until she feel asleep from the anesthesia. The next 2 1/2 hours were a blur of text messages, phone calls, tears, fears, hand holding and desperate prayers. I wondered if we had made the right choice by fighting for these surgeries for so long. I was haunted and still am, that there is no turning back.
The nurse came to get us and take us to Riley after the surgery was over. Just as they woke Riley, she yanked the tube going to her lungs out and nearly got her IV out of her hand as well. We met another nurse who handed me Riley and ushered Port and I to 2 chairs in the PICU unit. I cried and tried my best to comfort Riley. She has always had such a hard time coming out of anesthesia and is so afraid when she wakes. Nurses were everywhere, untangling cords, taking down numbers, hooking her to oxygen, taking her temp ect. I asked to see her stomach. Port looked at me as to make sure and I nodded yes. The nurse lifted Riley's gown and showed me what there was to see. I fell apart and cried as I never had before. I begged for the surgeon to come out, take her back to the OR and remove the tube. I begged Port to have it taken out. I cried more and pleaded with Riley that one day she would understand the choice we had to make, that one day we would see the benefit from the G-tube but even I wasn't so sure. For now, it's a scary monster that has invaded the tummy of my beautiful baby.
In the 2 wks that we had to prepare for the surgery I looked all over the internet for pictures of a baby with a G-tube. I thought maybe if I knew what to expect, I could deal better, encourage Riley more and generally educate myself. While I didn't do much reading on feeding tubes, I knew a little but never was able to find pictures.
The surgeon came out, I kept my cool as best as I could and listened to his orders for Riley for the next 24 hrs. He assured us that the procedures had gone text book, she looked excellent and even told us of her bright recovery. He told me we would need to of course continue her asthma meds but that she no longer needed the reflux meds. "She's not refluxing anymore", he said. I have dreamed of hearing those words. For Riley, it's so much more than reflux. It's killing her lungs, bringing constant pain to her ears, preventing her from eating, literally torturing her tiny body. I knew it was a step in the right direction and that our fighting had been blessed with favor from the Lord.
The next 24+ hours were a blur. Many texts, calls, FB messages,dear friends, doctors and nurses filled our tiny hospital room. Lots of checking her sites, monitoring pain, morphine, trying to get her to respond to our voices and more desperation. I was desperate from a sign from God that we had made the right choice, though I knew we had. I watched her every moment, never leaving her bed side, waiting for her to wake, to show me a sign of pain or comfort. Being clueless in all of it left me feeling pretty anxious for anything and nothing that she would show.
She slept well the first night, heavily medicated. We opted for every dose of everything they would give her to keep her comfortable. We held her hands and cried over her as she slept. I would look to Port's eyes for reassurance and comfort. I begged God to send His peace.
The next afternoon we began to stretch out the morphine doses from every 2 hours to every 3. We sat her up in the bed when she would wake and supported her on pillows when she slept. I held her for hours in my arms taking comfort in every next breath, every squeeze of my finger she gave. She would look at me, look at those talking to her but remained expressionless. There was no emotion on her face at all, no hint of her comprehending even our voices for the first 2 days. It was the most heartbreaking ordeal I have ever been thru as a mother. A dear sister in Christ came to see us, and I knew it was safe to break down with her. We spent much time crying at Riley's bedside for what our child must endure, trying to find God's plan and purpose in it all.
I still don't understand it and I may never. Though many go through so much worse, seeing a tube coming from my child's stomach is the harshest thing to me. I don't understand why she hasn't been well, why it must be so hard for her. Her ordeals don't seem morally ok to me, they don't seem to fit for our beautiful girl. I hear others talk at times about not wanting to vaccinate their kids bc of shots, of allergy testing being so invasive, how anesthesia can be the worst, and I wish it were that simple for our girl. I guess it's been somewhat of a grieving time for Port and I. We've had a lot of time together that I'm so grateful for. We've had privacy but the love from others who have come to visit at the same time. I've asked God why many, many times. How is it that the world we live in is in constant war and babies have tubes coming from their bodies to perform what they own body can't, to sustain them? How can that be?
Most recently Riley began to sit on her own. She has stood twice for several minutes with our help. With this surgery, the internal organs go numb and so the recovery is long and slow...6-8 wks actually. She's smiling and saying mama and dada. She reaches for our hands each time a nurse or doctor enters the room. She has become alert enough at times to watch Elmo or watch the bubbles we blow float around her bed. She is happy to see Leea and Carson when they are here to visit and likes to look out her window. We've done slow wagon rides around the Peds ward, visited the playroom briefly, blown bubbles, played with a pinwheel, done puzzles and sang songs. I've seen tiny glimpses of our girl come back. She shows others her stomach when they enter the room as if to say, "Hey, look at me now. It's going to be ok, see what I've come thru and how strong I am."
Nichole
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