It's that time....

It's official....deployment is coming. This will be our 3rd tour in nearly 10 yrs of marriage. The first two tours were 15 months long each. This time, I will be happy for an actual 12 months. I don't dare put my hope in the rumors that the army will soon be going to 9 month deployments.

We are in pre-deployment mode around here. It's not spoken of much. We steal glances from each other, know what the other is doing when we just leave a room to begin working in another room, my lists of what we need to do and when grow by the day ranging from household repairs to Port's recorded messages to the kids for their special occasions.

I cry. I cry to the LORD, to strengthen my warrior of a husband, help him prepare, to be wise and diligent. I cry for strength and peace for our 3 babies. I cry for myself. Each time my husband leaves, past wounds, deep hurts from others, scars from my childhood resurface. I relive them on my own. Every memory, every word....I'm there again.

I cry to the LORD to pick my heart up as I send my man off to war again. I try not to think of the people who take our troops for granted, who drive their cars with anti war and coexist stickers plastered all over it. They have no idea.

I know that I have my own tour of duty ahead. I will push whatever is in front of me either uphill or out of my way. I will make my hands busy unto the LORD. I will keep my focus on Him and His plans for our family.

Thank a solider today. Thank a family. Thank our God for who they are and what they do. Reach out and break down the walls of feeling awkward contacting those you don't know, not praying with that wife because she's a female and you are a male, playing with their kids while their daddy is gone.

I lift my eyes unto the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2

Taste and See!

From the call that told us of Riley's upcoming hospital time a month ago until Thursday of last week I have wrestled, fought, whined over, refused and cried over it all. For the last 21 months, since Riley was born, we have had a sick baby in our family. A baby we have had no idea how to help because we didn't know what the problem was. A baby who has been thru 2 surgeries, a million trillion doctor appts, 4 ENT's, and nearly every other kind of doctor you can think of. You would think I would be elated at such news that we were being sent to one of the top hospitals in the nation, the top ranking hospital in the nation for 13 consecutive years for respiratory issues. But I wasn't. I have been so tired of doctors not listening to me, so tired of pointless medicines, empty theories, false hope. I've been so tired of trying what the newest doctor said, or the old one resorted too, not knowing what else to do, only to find Riley was still the same sick baby when all was said and done.

This last week was so hard for us all at the hospital. I was constantly annoyed at my husbands optimism. I had more fleshly moments than I care to remember.

On Thursday of last week a dear friend, a new friend sent me a portion of scripture that the Lord had laid upon her heart. "Taste and see that the Lord is good." Psalms 34:8. I couldn't understand such a verse for such a time as this. Taste and see? All we have is heartaches! All we have is constant trial!

That same day our Pastors surprised us with a visit. I was so excited to see them and talk with them. A week in isolation and a visit from the outside world! After our time was over, I realized, due to the wise counsel of our pastors that Riley being at the hospital, THIS hospital was just where we needed her to be. Months ago, the army didn't clear Riley for Germany and now I see that it was for such a time as this. This is where Riley needs to be. I realized that though the tests are hard for Riley, they are for her good. I saw all the doctors are trying to do to help our girl.

That same day we received a special and needed monetary gift. Our needs would be met for another few days! I took some time to reflect and the Lord brought the scripture my friend had given me to mind. Suddenly it made sense. All the texts, calls, gifts, FB posts, meals and so much more had each come at the most perfect time. God was telling me and even graciously showing me in the midst of a trial, to taste and see that He is good! He is taking care of our every need, concerning Himself with the details of our life like only He does. I had to immediately repent of my fleshly attitude and doubt I had towards so much and change my attitude.

I know I'm not the only one though. Many of us, many of you are going thru what looks impossible, what looks hopeless. It doesn't seem that the issue at hand will be worked out, that God will understand the details but He does and He will. He's the only one that will! I encourage you all today, at this very minute to take to Him, the one who loves you most of all, whatever is concerning you, bringing you down, causing you stress and anxiety. Take it all to Him and then taste and see that He is good!

A piece of the puzzle

Before I get into the updates I would very much like to thank everyone for following our blog, for your prayers and encouragement, for your acts of service! At just the right time, your texts, FB mssgs, email and calls have come thru!

We are home for the weekend but before we get into family time I wanted to send out an update! This week after Riley's probe test (the tube in her nose, throat and tummy for 24 hrs) we got some very shocking results. In the 24 hours that the tube was in, Riley had 55 acid reflux episodes. Acidic reflux is coming all the way to the top of her throat (near vomiting) and staying there for 2-3 min before going back down and coming back up. It is almost a constant process going on in her body. This explains all the gagging, coughing, chocking ect. She in the process is aspirating to her lungs and ears. This means that during the process, food and drink are making their way to her lungs and even her inner ear. It comes across as asthma symptoms, (wheezing, choking, unable to breath in general) and as ear infections as her inner ear fills with yuck. The doctors now wonder if she really has asthma or if she's just aspirating all the time. The asthma meds help and have for so long bc they open her airwaves, give her air when she can't get it.

The next day she had an upper GI to show just what goes on in her throat and tummy. During this test, Riley has to lay down flat (near impossible for her as she can never breathe laying flat) and drink a milkshake like substance. As she was doing this we could literally see all the fluid coming back up her throat and going back down, over and over again.

Doctors think she has been this way since birth. Her asthma symptoms, gagging, unable to eat food, unable to lay flat, random vomiting, unable to eat sitting still, all point to the reflux. It was heartbreaking to hear to say the least. Though we were glad it wasn't worse, to think your baby has been struggling this way for 21 months, having constant acidic yuck going up and down her throat, having this yuck sitting at the very top of the throat so she always feels the need to be sick, having constant ear infections bc of the yuck reaching her ears....it's hard to hear.

Riley also had a skin allergy test this week consisting of 14 pokes on her back to see if she had allergic reactions to the most common allergies such as mold, weed, dog, cat ect. All came back clear so we have no allergies!

On Friday she had several labs done, checking for other possibilities such as gene CF,, lung diseases ect. This coming week we will be back Monday-Friday for more tests. She has a lung test, to look and see what kind of fluid her lungs, a biopsy of her nose to see if the tiny nose and ear hairs are functioning properly of if they are bringing in and trapping dust and such in her lungs and ears. She will have a swallow test to see how she swallows and if her airways are functioning or if fluid goes straight to the lungs. She will have her 3rd MRSA culture to hopefully rule out that the MRSA has come back. We get a daily schedule at the hospital so we will know more on Monday morning!

Thank you all for your many prayers on our behalf, for your words of encouragement, for the meals, for the calls and texts.

A special thank you to our pastors who drove to Denver and paid us a wonderful visit, to the ladies of our church making constant meals, to the family members who have helped us financially during this time, giving us relief and allowing us to take care of business.

And lastly a special thank you to the Renyolds, our dear friends of 4 years. As most of you know they have had Leea and Carson all week long for very long hours. They have taken the kids for fun outings, played with them at home, helped Leea with her schooling, fed them, loved on them, taken them at 5 in the morning, been more than flexible as we've had little idea of what to expect next. There are no words to describe how you feel, knowing your kids are taken care of, they are being reassured and loved on. They are given room to be emotional while trying to keep their day as normal as possible. There are simply no words to thank someone for what they have done. Providing our kids with a loving, safe and godly environment, adjusting to what's happening for our sake, putting your own family aside to help our family. How do you possibly thank someone for doing such as this? I pray all day, never stopping that the Lord would bless the Renyolds beyond anything they have ever seen. That He would shine upon them as never before.

This week would be so much harder, near impossible without the love that everyone has shown us.

I will go for now for some much needed family time. A whole 2 days with my family all in the same place....I am indeed one happy momma right now:)

A thankful heart in the midst of....

So today is day 2 at the hospital with our Riley girl.

Yesterday she began a very big test for her. A tube was placed in her nose, going all the way down to her stomach. The goal is to monitor any reflux, asthmatic activity or aspiration. According to PH levels showing from her stomach, shows the doctors any reflux or acid in her stomach, therefor contributing to coughing, lack of REM sleep, asthma symptoms ect. The tube stays in for 24 hours and then results can be gathered. Riley pulled the first tube all the way out, so we had to back and have it done again, followed by an x ray that shows if the tube is in just the right place in her tummy. She now has no no's on her arms that resemble little cast like bands on her arms that don't allow her to bend her arms or touch her face. By wearing the no no's, she won't be able to pull the tube out again.

We have been in isolation since yesterday when we arrived. We were told that the proper test were not done done at Children's Hospital in April to show that she is in fact MRSA negative. We will remain in isolation until she has 3 negative cultures from her nose and ears showing that the MRSA is gone.

Today we will attend what they call parent group which is like a support group for parents with a hospital staffed psychiatrist geared towards parents caring for a chronically ill child.

This afternoon we will have various skin tests done to see if Riley has any allergies to foods, materials ect. She will also meet with her immune deficiency doctor who is working to determine if Riley has any immune deficiency issues. We were told yesterday that it is unlikely that she suffers from any major immune deficiency as we would have seen much worse issues that what we've been dealing with thus far.

I spent much of the night crying, tossing and turning and watching Riley, praying. I miss Leea and Carson terribly, even though we've been away one night. Having Riley's tube inserted the second time was so hard to watch. I ask God why she must suffer and I plead with Him to heal her. Then I must repent for I know those prayers are not what pleases the Father. Instead, I must pray for myself to be flexible and willing to keep giving Riley to Him for she is His, not mine. I must pray to be wise in what He wants for me to know, I must pray that He is glorified, that others come to know Him through our ordeal, through our Riley girl. Though I know my prayers are precious to the Lord, I know what He truly desires for me and that is to pray in that manner, getting closer to where He wants me with each prayer. I also know how much worse this all could be. While we wait for numerous test results, it could always be worse.

I some ways I fear after these 10 days that we know nothing more than we do right now, that doctors can't figure out what is going on with Riley. While it's somewhat a good report, it means in ways that we will continue on, all of this behind us and just not know. My mother in law used to tell me all the time, "we can deal with what we know." While part of me doesn't want to know, a big part of me does.

For some time, Riley's ped has felt CF was a nasty culprit in Riley's health. Many of Riley's symptoms match CF symptoms. Back in April, after many sweat test that showed inconclusive results, we finally had a blood test that showed a neg result for CF. Today we learned that she was only tested for a certain part of CF, not CF in general. Her doc at National Jewish feels we must do the other part of the CF testing to totally rule it out. It was heartbreaking to find that something we thought had been laid to rest, discounted, has in fact come back to haunt us.

I am learning how true it is that God's grace is sufficient in my time of need.It is rare that my husband is home, that I get him instead of the army. He is here, holding my hand, taking shifts with Riley, praying with me, getting coffee and food. Just this morning, he took Riley and played with her toys with her, feeding her breakfast so I could sit by the window to journal and read my Bible. Through friends and family, He has provided our every need. When the finances look scary, He provides thru a family member wanting to help. When I worry of Leea and Carson, He provides the best care they could receive from our very generous friends. When I worry of all the meals, food preparation, He provides the church to take over, pray for us, pray over us. We are so comforted by the many who have reached out, the many offering their beautiful and heartfelt prayers for us.

In the midst of this awful, awful trial, I am thankful. I am thankful that even though I want so badly to go home, we are getting such great care here for Riley. I am thankful that our kids are well taken care of, that financial help has generously been given, that our church is supporting us, for our friends and family. I am thankful that God is control when it feels everything is spinning out of control. I am thankful for His plans above my own.

I thank you all, those who have helped, prayed, reached out, followed us on our journey. Thank you. It seems so little, two words that are so simple. Thank you doesn't seem enough. So I just keep saying it, thank you, thank you, thank you.