a fog and a path

I am in awe at times. That I can still function and to the level that I do. My fog is still very much here. My heart is still broken but certainly not beyond repair to Him. Babies are washed, laundry kept up, 2-3 hot meals prepared daily, floors clean, time spent with kids, schooling daily,checkbook balanced, errands completed, devotionals completed....this my friends is the evidence that I am more than ever in His presence. When not, these things don't happen. I celebrate every tiny accomplishment by giving Him glory, giving Him praise. God is a god that you can see thru your fog, you can see His hand reaching out for you, you can hear His voice as He instructs you as to what your next step is. It's a choice really. I must choose to walk in Him, to trust in Him, to hear Him, to see Him, to obey Him. I know and I tell Him often that Riley is His. He made her. He gifted her to me but she is His. He will do as He pleases for it is His will, not mine.

With very little, and I mean little, talk time with Port over the last week, since he's been gone really, I've prayed more than ever for direction. What is my next step Lord? What will you have me do? How can I honor you still, feeling as I do? Grant me peace, I pray, so that I may complete my tasks at hand, give my children peace and love.

On Sunday, I was refreshed. I spent the morning at church. I worshiped, prayed, cried, listened...I left feeling much better than when I had gone in. After church, I was blessed with an entire 30 min to talk to my husband! I was able to ask him questions, learn of his feelings, his reasoning....it was truly wonderful. It almost felt that he had been here, for a quick visit.

We decided on Sunday to continue homeschooling our children. Leea is finishing up 1st grade, starting some 2nd grade work and Carson is doing pre-k work. We decided to keep going. It was one of my first questions to my husband. Do we keep going? Do we reevaluate? Do we change plans all together? What do we do? Those that know have been very concerned, including Riley's doctors. While on some days it's ok, bc we have so many that love and support us. We open ourselves up to others thoughts when we put it on our blog and FB updates, prayer chains ect. Other days, it's a bit harder to have something you so believe in, something you've prayed for so long on, worked so hard for, something that is such a part of your life...kinda comes under fire, is questioned.

Truth is, our big kids have spent most of their lives for the last 2 yrs in doctor offices with Riley. They have endured physical separations from us and sacrificed family time when hospital times roll around. Leea can work anywhere from the car, to the dentist, out running errands, in the doctor office, the hospital lobby, a waiting room...you name it. It's not always that way, but some days it is. Most of the time I'm the only one here to get the errands done, to make the appts, to get things done. I have to be creative with her schooling so that we can school while still taking care of business. School is so much more than academics! Let's hope and plan that our kids learn mercy and compassion for the sick, Godliness and flexibility for what the day holds, perseverance during the hard times, responsibility in making good choices for themselves, being humble in all things...and that's just some of what we hope for, some of what we teach. In between the math, phonics, copy work, science projects, world history, there are devotions, scripture memorization and real life happening. Real life. Our life is no where near the norm anymore. Rarely do I have time to talk on the phone, meet for coffee, attend a playdate, catch up with a dear friend. Rarely, and that's ok, it's our life.

Riley's health problems, as never ending as they seem, are teaching me, they are teaching our family of the Christ we have in our hearts, in our lives. Leea asks me often "mommy, why won't Jesus make Riley well? He's the only one who can so why won't He?" Carson's biggest fear for Riley is that she will get more shots. I have to explain to them and to myself that it's up to Jesus to make Riley well. It's really not even about Riley being well. It's about Jesus being glorified. Our Bibles tell us that life isn't about being in good health, wealthy, comfortable. It isn't about us at all. It's about Him, how He is glorified, how He is shown to others! If a doctor who doesn't know Jesus starts to care for Riley, and learns of Jesus from Riley, from our family, then it's worth Riley's health not being good. If we can be a light to someone else in a waiting room who has no hope, perhaps their situation is far worse than ours, then it's worth it all. If we can strengthen someone's faith by pressing on, staying with it, giving Him all praise, honor and glory, than it's worth it. Leea and Carson understand bits and pieces and I pray the rest will come in His perfect time.

I filed our fist letter on intent this week, making Leea a legal homeschooled student here in CO. Now at the age 7, it must be done to continue. We have felt called still not only to continue homeschool but to kick it up a notch. I have met with others who know Leea best and homeschool themselves to discuss it, I have done tons of research and prayed for just the right curriculum for our family, I have learned of ways to school for families who have kids with special needs, I have learned of methods to schooling for the days you must be on the go. I have felt peace, such peace.

Port and I told Him that we would continue if that's what He has for us. He has blessed our schooling by answering prayers I've been praying for 2 yrs, before we even started. He's honored what He put into our hearts to homeschool and continues to give me the time to do it and the drive to give it my all. He has made the homeschooling path more clear that it has ever been before. I have seen my prayers answered right before my eyes this week!

I am so thankful to Him:)